Who's on Top?
by Canadino
Summary: Not exactly a Who's on First kind of parody...but Ren and Horo have an argument and it's up to Lyserg to settle this spat...not exactly your typical lover's spat? Suggestive?


**Disclaimer: If Shaman King were mine, I wouldn't need to write fanfics. If any of these songs were mine, I wouldn't be writing fanfics.**

Background music: --

Who's on Top?

Lyserg was just starting to enjoy taking the first stick of Pocky from the fresh box in the cabinet when Ren and Horo decided to include him in one of their arguments that he'd just rather stay out of. Although he prided himself on being the only one in the chaotic place with a sound mind, he really didn't like settling arguments, which he was doing rather often as of late. Not only were the Asakura twins having random spats about if day or night was better, but Anna and Choco were also disagreeing about whether or not apples were fruit (which they obviously were), and now Ren and Horo?

He was about to excuse himself out of the room, sensing an argument arising. After all, whenever Ren and Horo came into a room with identical scowls, it always meant something wrong. And seeing as Lyserg was the only one else in the room, he probably would have been the one they would vent on. And the ventee was never the same afterwards.

But before he could even say anything or even turn, Ren opened his mouth and asked the question before another breath could be taken. "Lyserg, who do you think should be on top, me or Horo?"

Choice one: Pretend not to hear the question. But that was never a good way to go, since the arguers in question would follow him around all day pestering him with it until he went crazy.

Choice two: Play dumb.

Choice three: Commit suicide, which was probably not the right choice.

Alright then, choice two.

"Um? Top? What are you guys talking about?" Lyserg asked, grasping for an outlet as he tried to inch his way out the door. Before he could get out, Horo and Ren advanced on him, trapping his escape routes. Sighing, Lyserg shifted his weight so he could get comfortable standing before continuing. "You mean, behind closed doors?"

"Duh." Ren rolled his eyes, something that made Lyserg wonder exactly why he didn't try and strangle him with something. Anything. "Horo says it's cause he's seme that he gets tops. But who said he was seme?"

"Alright, alright, let's try and figure this out," Lyserg said, holding his hands up for silence as Horo nearly rebuked. "Let's define seme, first of all. Here are some of the qualities of a seme: they're usually taller than the uke."

Horo grinned and gave Ren a 'I-told-you-so' look, which Ren brushed off. "But Lyserg, some people just can't help with the height they're given."

"Okay, another would be the seme is stronger than the uke." Suicide, Lyserg, suicide. Questions on these shamans' strength would just cause a whole other argument.

"Obviously that would be me," Ren interjected, before getting punched by Horo. Sensing a scuffle in the process, Lyserg tried again to inch away before the two got whiff of his intentions and settled down.

"We'll say we're equal," Horo said quickly, regaining his posture to block Lyserg from escape, despite Ren's obvious disagreement.

"The seme usually has a deeper voice."

Ren and Horo exchanged glances before Ren pointed at Horo. "He freaks out a lot more than I do, so his voice raises a lot. So he loses there."

"Like you don't scream like a girl, Ren."

"The uke is considered more girly," Lyserg said, raising his voice to drown Ren's remark out.

"I'm sorry, but Ren…you lose there. I think you'd look better in a dress than I would."

"Lyserg, some people can't control how they were born!"

"Ah-ha! So you admit you're more girly!"

"At least I'm not stupid, baka."

"The uke usually thinks more and is more emotional than the seme, who plays the prince in the prince-princess role."

"Damn," Ren muttered, as Horo was about to say triumphantly that Ren had already admitted he thought a lot. Not only that, but Ren was known to be overreactive and jealous. "Still…there are other things than those, right Lyserg?"

"Those are the stereotypical qualities of a seme," Lyserg said, shrugging.

"But…but…the seme holds the power in the relationship, right?" Ren asked, looking and sounding both extremely desperate. Lyserg nodded slowly, both he and Horo unsure of where this was going.

"Good." Ren's face lit up. "Because unless I say so, we don't have sex. And that's power, isn't it, Lyserg?"

"Um…I guess so?" Horo opened his mouth to interject again but Ren held his hand up with more authority than before.

"Not another word, baka, or couch for a month."

"Buh…buh…" Horo couldn't form decent words before following Ren out of the kitchen. Sighing with relief, Lyserg was a tad disturbed at the thought that flew through his mind for a moment. He was sure it was going to bother him for the rest of the day when Yoh came in to relief it for him.

"Yoh, why am I always on the bottom?"

Owari

Note: And this is what comes out of my head after so long of a non-creative streak. But you know all this time they would argue about this. And we all know there are HoroRen fans out there along with RenHoro fans. And who is right? Just some food for thought, provided by Mankinfan. Who expects a review along with a tip.


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